Emotions

Our days can really be filled with many emotions.  Whoever came up with those little emoji's for your phone must have gone through each of those feelings and hit it right on the face. What's scary is that so many of us literally experience not just one or two but can encounter more than our fair share of those emoji faces in a regular day.

For myself, I can start my day with a smile ready to start a day with optimism only to be tried and brought down. I'm soon met with a feeling of disappointment that will surprise me. I mean really how did I get myself here when I prepared my heart and mind in His Word?  Knowing that I'm not as strong in my faith brings on fear and then doubt about my walk. Maybe I'm not as strong as I portray to be to the ones I speak to or when I pray. I begin to find my heart and mind wandering and confusion begins to set it's claws into my soul. I feel like a slug and all this before noon.

I reach out to a close friend and the emoji's are soon laid out across the screen.  I need help with accountability and fellowship with a friend in Christ.  I receive a prayer and the pleasant sight of "praying hands" along with a reminder of His grace. A sweet token to remind me of all He has done.

I'm brought back to 😊.  Thank You Jesus!

Broken

I've watched someone I love hurt deep down to the core and feel destitute. It's as though I watched from an upstairs room with sound proof walls.  I found myself drumming endlessly on the clear glass and yet felt that I could not be heard.  The screams were silent to my own ears and the beating of my heart was louder than I could handle.

I cried out to God until the tears were no more-dried up like a desert. I searched for answers of my own before I could offer up any to my love one.  Questions bounced around every corner of my mind.  Where did the road turn?  How did this end up this way?  Why do they deserve such pain? More importantly-WHERE WAS MY FAITH?

Where was the faith that I spoke about to so many?  How did it fall away with every tear?

I felt paralyzed in my own fear and I could not find where my God had fled. I was stranded on an island of despair with a shattered heart that only seemed to suffocate as I watched my love one slowly grieve.

How do we get to these places?  Have you ever wondered what turn in the road or what grip did you lose that you find yourself in this darkness? It doesn't really matter how you got there-what matters is that you find your way back to the light and turn yourself around.  This is exactly what happened on that clouded day-the Son broke through and His rays channeled through my broken heart.

I felt His Words articulate and become one with my soul.  He reminded me of His love and mercy. That my cries may have seem silent but were heard up in the heavens.  As my love one's heart broke, His heart broke, but healing was taking place and plans were taking shape.  As doors seemed to be padlocked there were others that were being set free.  The tears that suggest that they had weakened were now alive in Him.

Know there is healing through what was once broken.

Psalm 34:18 NIV
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Road Trip

It's been a while since I've actually written my thoughts down.  I've been on a long journey- a road trip of sorts.  I've thought about what I've wanted to say several times. It's as though every thought has been drowning in my mind.

I coursed on an actual road trip to visit our oldest niece and before I ventured out on that trip I stocked up. I loaded myself down with junk food. Why?  Because my mind told me it was necessary for this trip. Although I tackled food that I wouldn't normally eat, it's what I assumed would comfort me at the time. 

As I drove that highway I couldn't help but compare it to how I've lived my days for the last couple of months.  As I said my days have been heading down a lonely road.  Preoccupied with a  meaningless consumption of negativity.  I've packed my days and nights with junk. I bought this junk - I've basically decided everyday to buy into what this world has offered.  Just like a convenient store...it's been just that...what has been convenient.

How many times have we all just done what was convenient?  Packing our hearts and minds not with His Truth but with loaded down energy zappers. What will only give us satisfaction for the moment instead of eternity. We all certainly pay a price for what we decide to carry. Our guilt overtakes and conviction becomes the ache that twists your insides into a over cooked pretzel. 

Today it's time to avoid the junk that conveniently awaits us. We must decide to turn to the Fruit of the Holy Spirit and take a road trip with a Companion who does not complain about the bumps in the road.

Pain Reliever

I've always believed in God. He was the Man that hung from the cross with a look of devastation. He was the One I was required to repent to at least every two weeks. He watched over me at night as I lay my head to sleep. Yep, I've always believed in Him ,but having a relationship...well that put a whole new twist to how I saw the Man.

I didn't understand how I could have a relationship with someone that I only called upon in times of need, in times of desperation or when required by my mother's law.  Yet, years later I will find myself in daily exchange with my Savior.  My questions run deep and I am childlike in my approach.

There are days that I wonder my purpose, the plot behind my story.  I'm in awe of how He has written  the chapters of my life.  He has prepared before me the path that will give me perspective.  The Author has taken the pen of life and glided across a canvas that to me seems scribbled and illegible.

Until....


The day comes when you will find yourself reliving your every mistake.  You will live the past regret and pain so that maybe you can spare another.  Your words are bitter and distasteful, but you feel a since of atonement. You're yet again walking through the fiery pits of hell, but this time your feet stand on solid ground. The roots of faith have been buried deep into your heart and soul.  He has a hold of you and this time around you're "Cross Eyed". You realize that God's purpose was not for a great void.  He would use your pain to save another.

Yep, I believe in Him.  I believe that He no longer is on that cross, but is with me everyday.  That look that I once saw as devastating-I now feel as deep abundant love.  My childlike questions and mistakes will continue however my Redeemer, my Savior, my Father goes before me to prepare the way.

The Unlimited Plan

Text messages! It's the way of the world today. I mean really who calls and actually talks to anyone these days?!? You can have a love-hate relationship with text messages. You never really know what the person on the other end of the line is feeling. I guess that's where those "emoji's" come in...smiley face..winky face.

One thing about the 'text message' is you can always go back to it. I had a conversation (texting conversation) with a friend one evening and she typed out "God should be your Best Friend."  Now on this particular evening I thought I was the one dishing out the advise, but today I realized that God would call me back to that conversation.

Ever feel so let down by situations around you that you feel yourself walking against the wind? You're pushing yourself to comprehend where you went wrong with friendships, relationships with loved ones, that the only view in sight is the aftermath of destruction. What you have left are the broken pieces of your heart.  All of a sudden here come the tears...

"Pity Party-table for One!"

This burden becomes more than I can handle-this "pity-party" is daunting.  So why do I choose to attend?  Why do so many of us choose to show up to these events? You see I decided to get in the way as I almost always do and wanted things to work the way I thought they should work out. You know I do good and well you should repay me by doing good too. (wink, wink)

What it doesn't work like that?!?! 

After finally falling into the arms of husband brokenhearted and in tears-he asked one question-"Would you do it all over again?"

My reply..."Yes, if it be God's will...in a heartbeat!"

Which brings me back to my earlier point about the text message. I read over that message..."God should be your Best Friend."  My dependence should be on Him-taking all my burdens to the One who can take all my brokenness and sadness.  My Best Friend died for me and promises to hold me when it becomes more than I can handle.  My Best Friend listens to me all the time when no one else is around. My Best Friend says that you don't need to have the approval of this world to make it right and you don't need it to always be perfect. He reminds me to do my part and that He'll do the rest. There's no need for text messages-I hear Him in the beating of my heart. His Plan is Unlimited.

John 10:27 ESV

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.

Iron and Clay

Now I once heard someone describe a marriage to me as a fine dance. I envision a "fine" dance as two people moving gracefully across the floor. Their movements as one, he twirls her around and then there's of course the dip.

Ugh...No! I consider myself a pretty good dancer. I'm Latin..it's kind of...I hate to say a requirement, but yea anyway. My marriage doesn't always feel like a "fine" dance. I picture us more of two tightrope walkers. And we're still in the circus that you're not really sure if it's safe to take your kids to or not.

Our feet will not always flow so lightly. The pole that keeps us patterned isn't always lead by the power of the Holy Spirit. Instead of staying focused on Him, the center of attention becomes the world around us. My pole becomes like clay, weak and unreliable. His becomes like iron, hard and too heavy. And we cannot balance where I've no longer been able to carry the weight.

But while some parts of it will be as strong as iron, other parts will be as weak as clay. Daniel 2:42

How do we get this right when all around us we're blinded by the spot lights?

When we decide to stop looking down for the safety net to catch us when we fall.  It's when we finally lift our hands in praise and worship letting go of some imaginary pole to balance our marriage. Our harmony will not come from some man made object, but from the God who made man.  So, we let go and ignore the center stage of this crazy circus called life.

It's not always easy-we're like children we need reminding of the rules as we walk out the doors. But just as we love our children, our Father love us and He continues to welcome us back.  I wouldn't trade my circus for any other and wouldn't walk the tightrope with anyone else in this world.

(psst...as for the dancing-I'm a much better dancer than he is...:) )

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

#iloveCandi

We had a long weekend.  I mean one of those that you actually wake up Sunday morning past 11 am realizing you missed church, breakfast and your body has been laying in the same position so long it's practically stuck.  

Our youngest niece competed in her first UIL Area Marching Contest this past Saturday.  Now, we come from a pretty long line of family band nerds.  My husband and I- Band Nerds! This marching stuff-it's pretty serious and well let's just say at the high school-Band Nerds seriously rock!  So, needless to say when you go to contest and don't make it past the round to take that trip in November- one band alumnus's response via text "Daaaaaang" and my son's "...."

Yep, that could pretty much sum it up right there.

After our hugs to our Candi and expressions of how proud we were of the hard work and dedication, with her water filled eyes she said thank you.  There was no outburst of why. No tantrum that life was not fair-just a simple lift of her lips to the side and slow walk back to her bus.  

My heart wept for her because I felt that out of all her siblings before-she really loves this band thing. She competes, she practices, she loves her clarinet, "Shirley".  (I mean she's the only one that's ever given her instrument a name.)

I prayed about what I would tell her when I picked her up from the school.  As she climbed in with the look of an 18 hour day on her face-the only word I said was, "Well..."  Before me sat this 15 year old girl that did not cry, but simply said- 

"It just wasn't meant to be this year.  We will have to work harder and learn from this and that's it.  There were tears from all these kids because they wanted to play for seniors and because they felt they screwed up, but we're a band.  It was no one person-we did it together.  The only thing I didn't agree with is who they played for..."

That's our Candi! (after 1st round)

Wow!  

You see we had been praying for weeks for the band.   Not necessarily for another trip to State, but for lessons to be learned, for guidance and tension to ease ( I tell you this can be serious stuff).  More importantly we prayed that Candi would play for the glory of God and nothing less.  She did that and she was at peace with how she played and what she put into it.  

I crawled into bed and my heart wept again, but this time for the joy I felt. I thanked God for sugar and spice and everything nice...#iloveCandi 

2014 Cougar Band

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

1Corinthians 10:31 (NLT)