Pain Reliever

I've always believed in God. He was the Man that hung from the cross with a look of devastation. He was the One I was required to repent to at least every two weeks. He watched over me at night as I lay my head to sleep. Yep, I've always believed in Him ,but having a relationship...well that put a whole new twist to how I saw the Man.

I didn't understand how I could have a relationship with someone that I only called upon in times of need, in times of desperation or when required by my mother's law.  Yet, years later I will find myself in daily exchange with my Savior.  My questions run deep and I am childlike in my approach.

There are days that I wonder my purpose, the plot behind my story.  I'm in awe of how He has written  the chapters of my life.  He has prepared before me the path that will give me perspective.  The Author has taken the pen of life and glided across a canvas that to me seems scribbled and illegible.

Until....


The day comes when you will find yourself reliving your every mistake.  You will live the past regret and pain so that maybe you can spare another.  Your words are bitter and distasteful, but you feel a since of atonement. You're yet again walking through the fiery pits of hell, but this time your feet stand on solid ground. The roots of faith have been buried deep into your heart and soul.  He has a hold of you and this time around you're "Cross Eyed". You realize that God's purpose was not for a great void.  He would use your pain to save another.

Yep, I believe in Him.  I believe that He no longer is on that cross, but is with me everyday.  That look that I once saw as devastating-I now feel as deep abundant love.  My childlike questions and mistakes will continue however my Redeemer, my Savior, my Father goes before me to prepare the way.

The Unlimited Plan

Text messages! It's the way of the world today. I mean really who calls and actually talks to anyone these days?!? You can have a love-hate relationship with text messages. You never really know what the person on the other end of the line is feeling. I guess that's where those "emoji's" come in...smiley face..winky face.

One thing about the 'text message' is you can always go back to it. I had a conversation (texting conversation) with a friend one evening and she typed out "God should be your Best Friend."  Now on this particular evening I thought I was the one dishing out the advise, but today I realized that God would call me back to that conversation.

Ever feel so let down by situations around you that you feel yourself walking against the wind? You're pushing yourself to comprehend where you went wrong with friendships, relationships with loved ones, that the only view in sight is the aftermath of destruction. What you have left are the broken pieces of your heart.  All of a sudden here come the tears...

"Pity Party-table for One!"

This burden becomes more than I can handle-this "pity-party" is daunting.  So why do I choose to attend?  Why do so many of us choose to show up to these events? You see I decided to get in the way as I almost always do and wanted things to work the way I thought they should work out. You know I do good and well you should repay me by doing good too. (wink, wink)

What it doesn't work like that?!?! 

After finally falling into the arms of husband brokenhearted and in tears-he asked one question-"Would you do it all over again?"

My reply..."Yes, if it be God's will...in a heartbeat!"

Which brings me back to my earlier point about the text message. I read over that message..."God should be your Best Friend."  My dependence should be on Him-taking all my burdens to the One who can take all my brokenness and sadness.  My Best Friend died for me and promises to hold me when it becomes more than I can handle.  My Best Friend listens to me all the time when no one else is around. My Best Friend says that you don't need to have the approval of this world to make it right and you don't need it to always be perfect. He reminds me to do my part and that He'll do the rest. There's no need for text messages-I hear Him in the beating of my heart. His Plan is Unlimited.

John 10:27 ESV

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.

Iron and Clay

Now I once heard someone describe a marriage to me as a fine dance. I envision a "fine" dance as two people moving gracefully across the floor. Their movements as one, he twirls her around and then there's of course the dip.

Ugh...No! I consider myself a pretty good dancer. I'm Latin..it's kind of...I hate to say a requirement, but yea anyway. My marriage doesn't always feel like a "fine" dance. I picture us more of two tightrope walkers. And we're still in the circus that you're not really sure if it's safe to take your kids to or not.

Our feet will not always flow so lightly. The pole that keeps us patterned isn't always lead by the power of the Holy Spirit. Instead of staying focused on Him, the center of attention becomes the world around us. My pole becomes like clay, weak and unreliable. His becomes like iron, hard and too heavy. And we cannot balance where I've no longer been able to carry the weight.

But while some parts of it will be as strong as iron, other parts will be as weak as clay. Daniel 2:42

How do we get this right when all around us we're blinded by the spot lights?

When we decide to stop looking down for the safety net to catch us when we fall.  It's when we finally lift our hands in praise and worship letting go of some imaginary pole to balance our marriage. Our harmony will not come from some man made object, but from the God who made man.  So, we let go and ignore the center stage of this crazy circus called life.

It's not always easy-we're like children we need reminding of the rules as we walk out the doors. But just as we love our children, our Father love us and He continues to welcome us back.  I wouldn't trade my circus for any other and wouldn't walk the tightrope with anyone else in this world.

(psst...as for the dancing-I'm a much better dancer than he is...:) )

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

#iloveCandi

We had a long weekend.  I mean one of those that you actually wake up Sunday morning past 11 am realizing you missed church, breakfast and your body has been laying in the same position so long it's practically stuck.  

Our youngest niece competed in her first UIL Area Marching Contest this past Saturday.  Now, we come from a pretty long line of family band nerds.  My husband and I- Band Nerds! This marching stuff-it's pretty serious and well let's just say at the high school-Band Nerds seriously rock!  So, needless to say when you go to contest and don't make it past the round to take that trip in November- one band alumnus's response via text "Daaaaaang" and my son's "...."

Yep, that could pretty much sum it up right there.

After our hugs to our Candi and expressions of how proud we were of the hard work and dedication, with her water filled eyes she said thank you.  There was no outburst of why. No tantrum that life was not fair-just a simple lift of her lips to the side and slow walk back to her bus.  

My heart wept for her because I felt that out of all her siblings before-she really loves this band thing. She competes, she practices, she loves her clarinet, "Shirley".  (I mean she's the only one that's ever given her instrument a name.)

I prayed about what I would tell her when I picked her up from the school.  As she climbed in with the look of an 18 hour day on her face-the only word I said was, "Well..."  Before me sat this 15 year old girl that did not cry, but simply said- 

"It just wasn't meant to be this year.  We will have to work harder and learn from this and that's it.  There were tears from all these kids because they wanted to play for seniors and because they felt they screwed up, but we're a band.  It was no one person-we did it together.  The only thing I didn't agree with is who they played for..."

That's our Candi! (after 1st round)

Wow!  

You see we had been praying for weeks for the band.   Not necessarily for another trip to State, but for lessons to be learned, for guidance and tension to ease ( I tell you this can be serious stuff).  More importantly we prayed that Candi would play for the glory of God and nothing less.  She did that and she was at peace with how she played and what she put into it.  

I crawled into bed and my heart wept again, but this time for the joy I felt. I thanked God for sugar and spice and everything nice...#iloveCandi 

2014 Cougar Band

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

1Corinthians 10:31 (NLT)

Do You Still Live In A Fairy Tale?

Remember the days of fairy tales?  When you dreamed of your "Prince Charming" and one day he would come and save you.  He was some how the only one that didn't have COOTIES!!! Your evil brother although a boy was the evil stepsister-I mean  he whined just like a girl anyway and your mother always seemed to take his side so you fancied her the evil step mother.

Yes, I had a little bit an of an imagination and I was a fairy tale kind of girl.  Our family took a trip to Disney World a couple years ago and weeping I watched the fireworks at Magic Kingdom.  It took me all the way back-I could care less that I could see the line that held Tinkerbell as she carelessly flew across the awestruck crowd-it was ENCHANTING!

Prince Charming-Disney 2008

Then what happens-reality hits.  I'm no longer that six year old child, twirling around with the imaginary birds on my fingers singing to me. I'm driving down the road trying to avoid those black cocky birds that think they own the road.

But, my life is still full of dreams.  I have dreams about my kids, about my future, about my family, about my marriage (I have crazy dreams too, but we'll leave that for another blog).  There are many times that I battle the meaning of those dreams. Do they bring honor to God or are they self fulfilling?

I couldn't help but think about King Nebuchadnezzar and his haunting dreams-here was a king who threatened his enchanters, magicians and astrologers with physical harm if they could not tell him not only the meaning of his dream BUT what he was actually dreaming.  Needless to say-some one's in trouble! God came to the king in his dreams as only He can do-to give the old king a series of messages.

  "He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie on their beds.  He whispers in their ears and terrifies them with warnings.  He makes them turn from wrong doing; He keeps them from pride." Job 33:15-17

Yet, this man wanted enchanters and magicians to tell him what his dreams meant?  The only one who could tell him was Daniel through  the wisdom of God, Himself.

I couldn't help but to take a long look at myself and begin to realize how many times do I take those dreams that I have about my kids, about my future, about my family, about my marriage and try to take control of it myself?  How many times do I try to play the Enchanter?  I think it's time I close the fairly tale book and focus on THE BOOK!

Click Here to Unsubscribe

I've seen my life go through a change in the last year.  I've changed jobs, made new friends.  I've decided to make some financial decisions that took me to some of the deepest parts of the water. With all the revisions in my life you would think I would have a new hair color already to go along with it.

But, I don't think it hit me until I really took the time this afternoon to look through my emails.  See with my new job-I don't have the time to look through my emails as I did before.  Take that as you will about my prior job, but all I'll say is that it's non-stop from clock in to clock out.  I love it and I wouldn't change it for the world.  When I get home though-I don't have a desire to read through some of what pops up through the subject lines so the small trash icon is where they disappear to for the day. My evenings are spent listening to teenagers badger each other with playful antics or just in the presence of their quietness (which is very rare).  

Opening the emails today were like taking a glimpse into a journal of my past.  I began to wonder why I opted into receiving some of them.  Was I really interested in getting emails on some of those products-was my life that vain?  Did I really think that I could lose weight in 5 days without doing ANYTHING!!!!????

You can't believe the relief I felt when I all it took was to hit the "unsubscribe" link at the bottom of each of those emails.  Each day I've been wasting time deleting these emails-gawking at it each day- when all I had to do was take care of it all together and get rid of it once and for all. 

How many times do we do this with a sin we carry with us each and every day of our lives?  We carry it with us each and every day.  We allow it to strain us and bring us down.  Only to allow the weight of it feel like a boulder on our shoulders- as if our Savior didn't already die for us on the cross.  He already carried it for us and yet we are constantly pulling up the same subject line to just look at it and hit the delete button.  

Open it and UNSUBSCRIBE!!! HE'S ALREADY HIT THE DELETE BUTTON FOR YOU!

You Can Love A Rejection

We are sometimes given small surprises in our lives that seem so unreal, so in your face that you don't know whether to laugh or cry. You seem dumbfounded by what is right in front of you that the words cannot form from your lips.

On this particular day as I drove myself from our friendly neighborhood grocery store I found myself wrestling with emotion.  Words were just more than I could handle as they drove a wedge in my throat. You see right before I had been filled with judgement as I watched the young people walk in and out in their red shirts attending the customers.  My eyes filled with envy as the young man put my bread in with my cans!

 "Really", I thought...I too had worked in this same establishment as a young person and wanted to say with a snapping voice-"Do you think the bread should go with that!!!!"

I wanted to do so not because I wanted to give him friendly advise (could you tell) or because he was rude or that I was having a bad day.  You see our youngest has been applying for a job for months-not just at this particular place but other stores.  He's applied and there's been rejection after rejection.  We've encouraged him time after time-asked him to continue to pray.  The conversations had come to "What does God want from me, Mom?"  Our answer-PRAY!!!

Although, I continued to ask him to pray-I had found myself looking over the edge many days thinking 'what's going on here-if they could only see him beyond the application.'

As with all my kids Julian volunteers-gives back-and since he has such a huge heart Caritas was the perfect place. This past week he encountered a gentleman who wanted to roughly know what wrongs he had done to land himself to have to serve at Caritas.  When Julian explained that he was there willingly- everything changed and both he and this gentleman engaged in a much needed conversation.

So back to my car ride back from the grocery store and that wedge.  God placed this heavy conviction on my heart.  He laid on me that I had prayed and prayed that He would use my children to be His Hands and Feet.  I had prayed that when they walk out of our home they would open their hearts to shine for Jesus and show His love and reach out to someone in need.  What we saw as rejection after rejection wasn't that at all but actually putting Julian on hold for the perfect opportunity to do the perfect job -for the Perfect God.  I shared what God showed me that day in the car with my son and told him that what he did that day was richer than any pay check he would ever receive. God's plans are greater and bigger than what we can see before us.

I'll never look at a rejection the same again!!!!!