Roller Coasters!

When I was a teenager I loved roller coasters and scary movies.  I loved any and almost everything that was considered daring.  I probably tried every hair color under the moon-I colored my hair a honey blond for heaven's sake! That my friend was daring!  It was a rush-an adrenaline rush! I didn't need drugs to fly high-I just needed to try something new or strap myself in for a two minute ride at 65 mph.

Texas Giant-Six Flags Over Texas

Those were times that I felt that I could handle ANYTHING!!!!  I relied on me, myself and I! Every obstacle I faced and triumphed was accomplished by my own will power. Lady Luck!

Boy, was I oblivious to the world around me! I was egotistical, self righteous-a BRAT! I laugh now at the little joker I was growing up as a teenager.  I thought I had every answer to every question on earth.

Today-I drove to work thinking about how I can't figure out one end from the next.  My answers only end up with more questions. As apprehension fills my heart and I my breathing becomes uneasy- I begin to wonder if there's a speck of tenacity left from that teenager.  My strength is not capable of taking on the weight of all the pain my battered heart is feeling at that moment.  I just want it all to go away-I want to be able to ride that roller coaster, watch that scary movie, take that chance again without thinking of the consequences.  But....fear has taken over!  It has grabbed a hold and left me to stand motionless. 

God always conveys His message at the perfect time. My car speakers began to serenade "Oceans" by Hillsong United. The lyrics sang to the darkest, deepest areas of my heart. He reminded me that I no longer rely on my own strength.  No, I am no longer that young girl that believes and trusts in "Lady Luck". I have been made new.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 2 Corinthians 5:17

My heart finds peace and He promises that I'll get through this too. I will become stronger through it all.

I pull into the parking lot, parked and released my seat belt. It may not have been that roller coaster ride, but that fifteen minute car ride at an average of 40 mph was still an adrenaline rush.

                                                      "Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)"

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
[x6]

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

                                            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoZE2RsthRg

 

Direction

Ever wish you could just call God up and ask for a clear direction.  You're so desperate for some clarity that your lungs are wailing on their own.

The last couple of weeks as I drove to work, I passed the same construction sign everyday.  It directed cars to merge to the left lane. Although, I never saw a single worker there on any given day-there was some obvious danger in that area.  Each morning for the last several weeks myself and each of my fellow citizens followed instruction.  We merged left without incident.  How easy!

I'm sure, like me, you long for a life that simple.  I wish when I was about to dart into dangerous territory-there would be a sign that would alert me.

" MERGE LEFT! "

Unfortunately, this life doesn't fall into the "easy as pie" category.  We'll all face difficulties and differences.  We'll hit them dead on without the warning sign.   I'm also realizing that we may stay lingering in those situations for what may feel like an eternity.  It can be become frustrating,  as you can very well imagine,  but what do you do?

You call on Him.

That construction sign on my way to work was taken down,  but our "signs" are never taken down.  He never leaves us and we only need to open His Word for instruction. 

Romans 10:17

So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the Word of Christ.

Gone Too Young

Isaiah 57:1-2
"Good people pass away; the godly often die before their time. But no one seems to care or wonder why.No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For those who follow godly paths will rest in peace when they die."

During my quiet time I read Isaiah 57:1-2 and immediately my thoughts drifted into the past. My eyes enveloped with tears as I began to think about my Aunt Paula and my mother in law, Julia.  They were two women that left this world far too early.

Thinking about my Aunt Paula, she was such a radiant soul. She held a spirit of love and courage. I recall weekends with her-the feel of her fingers as she combed my hair into pony tails-sometimes so tight my vision was blurred,but I still felt the tenderness of her heart. It was how she made me feel. The aura of her presence is unforgettable. Sitting next to her in their one cab truck felt safe (apparently in her care I was lost twice)-I knew deep down in my heart-I was in the best care. Funny, I don't remember her cooking, I don't remember her ever buying me anything extravagant-ever in my life. I have only a couple of material items that once were her possessions or gifts she gave me. My first Christmas, as a married woman, she gave me plates, a box of old recipes that I found hidden in her cabinet, a blanket and a doll-that she gave me as a child. All these pieces have no cash value, but they have more value to me than money could ever buy.  They hold memories to a woman that took the time to love me with all heart and soul.

The doll my Aunt Paula gave me!

When I first married my husband, I was intimated by my mother in law.  What I saw then was a strong, capable woman and I was this incapable girl taking her son.  I couldn't live up to her standards-I wasn't her.  I would never make her happy. 

What I couldn't see then was that she had never asked me to be her.  She had never asked me to live up to her standards.  She had never told me I was incapable.  I had made up so many stories in my head-I had just looked up to her in so many ways.  I just wanted to be like her-I wanted in so many ways to make her proud and could never tell her.  I believe today that all she wanted from me was to love her son-to take care of her grandchildren. Have I let her down-I'm sure I have-in fact-I know I have.  But, she too was such a loving, beautiful soul and forgiving in nature. 

My life is forever changed because of the impact of these two women.  My kids don't have the benefit of experiencing the love that radiated from both of these spirits. If I want to honor their memories- I need to do so by beaming the same love they gave to me and others. 

My mother in law, Julia!

Who Do You Play For?

Growing up I was never a sport fan-my dad wasn't into sports. Falling in love when I was 16 years old with the love of my life- a true sports fan-will change everything.

Today, I'm still in love with that same sports fan. But, I have converted into an ESPN, College Game Day, NFL, Mean Green, Texas Longhorn enthusiast. ( that's a better word than "loon") I enjoy the atmosphere of the real game experience-there's nothing like it-the yelling, the smell of the hot dogs, the adrenaline when your team scores! It's amazing-I'm a different person when it comes to watching a game. My husband, Joe, will say he's "created a monster", the kids will laugh and tell me to calm down. I don't think I know who I am when I'm watching a game anymore. I'm certainly not that girl, 22 years ago when I first met my sweet heart-I didn't even know what a football was made of or what a first down meant!

We went to a Longhorn game this past weekend (unfortunately-a loss, but we won't talk about that)- I stood in the crowd of DKR Stadium in the sea of Burnt Orange (a few specks of that other orange-sorry to my OK State friends) -I pondered-what each person's thought was about God. Ever do that-wonder about the person sitting beside you at the doctor's office or in the grocery store line? Wonder where his or her spiritual life is that very moment. What if we could all be identified what "team" we supported by the shirts we wore?  If we gathered in a stadium and cheered on a team that fought over a ball that represented our "spiritual life"- and you were required to wear the t-shirt that represented the life you actually lived-what team would it represent? Hard question?!?! I mean I know what shirt I want to wear.  I'm sure some of you that will read this will have the same response-you know what shirt you want to wear too.

Love My Longhorns! HOOK 'EM!

Leaving the game in my dismal state-I watched all my fellow Longhorn fans walk away. Life goes on-it was just a game. Thank goodness that it's just a game.  There's so much more to life than what happens on that field-than two teams knocking each other out for pigskin. (impressive, huh?!)

Thinking back to my summer group study-"Not A Fan" by Kyle Idleman (if you haven't read it-I suggest you do!) I don't want to sit on the sidelines. I have the best Captain there is-I don't want to just cheer-I want to be on the team. Is it always easy-nope! I struggle to put my shirt on-sometimes I'm bloated and it just doesn't fit. But, my Quarterback doesn't leave me hanging and for those of us who don't play in the big leagues yet-He doesn't leave you on the playground either!


Deuteronomy 31:8

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Layers

The other weekend my family and I pulled together and cleaned house.  It was definitely a family effort (yes I finally got to those cobwebs I spoke about in my very first blog). I have to say when we work together we can get a lot of things done-it may not be exactly how I would've done it, but then again I'm not an easy person to satisfy when it comes to cleaning house.

I came to my restroom-boy was it bad! I mean not bad in what you may be imagining, but still dreadful. After a can of Comet cleaner, a bottle of toilet bowl cleaner and a dozen Swiffer pads I was finally finished. I sat back and took a long look at my achievement. I couldn't help but feel a little somber about it all.

You may ask how someone could feel this way about cleaning a restroom.  I began to consider the layers of stickiness from my hairspray- it had fixed itself to my floor, how the traces of powder from my makeup began to build up on my counter top. Layers and layers~and then I examined the Swiffer pads in the trash, the sweat beading on my forehead. I thought about my inner soul.

How much have I allowed this world to contaminate me?  I'm sure I have layer and layers that have constructed a wall that would put me to shame if ever exposed to the public. It would take more than a few pads and some bleach cleaner to whack it down to the ground.  I know for sure it would take more than a day to demolish. I've hidden my face behind the glitter and paint. When I get ready in the morning-am I also hiding my heart behind that same glitter and gold?  Is my soul and what I reveal to others-me or an image of the made up me?

Thank God that He's bigger than a bottle of cleaner.  He's the Ultimate cleanser.  He's the One and Only that can take all those layers away. It doesn't matter what color my eye makeup-as long as I have Him in my heart-I'll always be the true me!

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

*no picture today-did you really think I would share one of my dirty restroom or me without makeup. ..come on now!

Are You Kidding Me?!?!?!

Woke up this morning ready to face my day! Excited-said my little prayer before my feet hit the floor-it was going to be a wonderful day and I was ready! Or was I?

Evening at UNT

As we settled into the car we began our journey to our destination and SLAM! The dilemma began before the car could get out of the driveway.  I had a horrible debate with one of my kids that ended up with a screaming match.  I imagined that the cars on each side of us could hear every word that we screeched.  Thinking back we appeared to be a bad country music video.  You know what I'm talking about-the one with the distressed mom slowly moving her head back and forth screaming "NO" in a tearful rage in the car as her teenage daughter- rebellious in her stance is sitting there arms crossed (with no tears). It's always some drawn out situation.  It had the same effect.  My car had turn into a wrestling cage of words.  There were two kids in the back-who did not offer to play referee-one sat facing the window(probably deliberating whether to jump out) and the other laughed (either from insanity or just happy that it wasn't them). It was a horrific scene-not exactly how I imagined starting my morning.  I left them driving back home with fumes leaving my ears and tears in my eyes-and not from sadness.

I returned to bed and began my conversation with God-"Can you believe the nerve of that child?" I ranted for a good twenty minutes before drifting.  When I woke up the fury had eased and I began to ask Him how to handle it.  He then told me to apologize.  What?!?! Are You kidding me?!? I didn't do anything wrong.

I suddenly could see myself turning into that debating child. What kind of example have or will I be displaying if I cannot humble myself?  It's not easy, is it?  To humble yourself at the expense of your pride. It doesn't matter the situation and whether I was wrong or right-the fact that I didn't ask God first on how to respond- was my mistake. I'll take accountability for it.

I certainly need to get a better grip on the count to ten thing too!

James 4:6

But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Looking in The Mirror

We're getting our third kid ready for college.  This was suppose to get easier as we get further down the line, right? I mean we should know the right questions to ask, the right forms to fill out, the right bed sheets we're going to need. I mean the only thing that doesn't get easy is the letting go part. Right?!?!

WRONG!

Our middle niece Paula is in the process of searching out colleges. We've actually had a couple of successful campus visits. As we sat in front of the computer screen to schedule another visit I was hit with an emotional and very doubtful teenager. Every fear and "what if" took over her decision making. I looked into her big brown unsettled eyes and I was looking into a mirror. She had just spilled out every gut wrenching fear I had at 17 years of age. I froze with no words of encouragement-instead all I could tell her was either she wanted this or not.  I knew that I wasn't talking to her, but to myself.

I went to bed that night disappointed in myself-not because I regret my life. I'm happy with where I am-it's obviously the story God chose for me. What lingered over me in the silence was shame-I was ashamed that I had allowed fear to cheat me.  I didn't even try. It's the one thing I ask of each of my kids-just try! The mirror went to bed with me that night and haunted me the next day. 

How AWESOME is our God-He tells us that we don't have to live in the past of our mistakes. I spent time with Him the other morning and He reminded me that I don't have to live in that shame. I don't have to live in the past of my youthful mistakes. I sat in the small corner of my house in the quiet and my heart danced. How could I forget that I serve a forgiving God, a God of second chances (in my case 3rd, 4th 5th and on an on...)? My mistakes make me who I am today and I should not be ashamed of my mirror and you shouldn't either. I think I should dust if off more often and remind myself that I tried something more daring than going to school-PARENTHOOD!!!!

Paula at her first college visit-TCU!

***And Paula-she's giving God the reigns on this one-that's more than I EVER did-that's one brave girl!***


Isaiah 54:4 Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood.

Missing Your Burden!

As I left the house this morning I couldn't help but notice our tree in the front yard.  In the last couple of years it has grown instantaneously before my eyes.  We live in a new subdivision in our community and most of the trees are youthful and tender.

Our first home had a huge oak tree that landed leaves all over the yard.  I despised that tree back in those days.  I didn't know what I had at the time.  What I saw then was aggravation a burden.  It left me work all over the place-leaves all over the yard and if you know me at all- I'm no gardener-I have a rock garden-enough said! I felt that huge timber allowed no sun in where I thought the sun needed to shine.  I had asked my husband several times to have the tree cut down.  He never did as I asked-we only trimmed it back! That man-he never listens to me!!!! (Thank goodness!)

Our Julian!

Today, I miss that big piece of pulp.  As I look at the tree I have now, I think about what God had given me before and how I had taken that beauty for granted.  He had furnished me with shade for protection. How many times does He guide us in a direction for our own good only to feel that it's an inconvenience? He's protecting us and yet because it's not our way-well it's not going to work. So, let's just cut it out of the way. How about that sun?  I thought at the time that it should come in at a certain angle-who am I?  It's not up to me to decide how and when it will work. Oh, how I've learned how my God has toiled over me and to think that I still have so much more to learn.

As the season's change both here and in my life I study each leaf that begins to fall. It's a reminder of His love that graces me from above. It's unique shape, color and just how it descends. Today, I'm aware of His reminders that are in His creations and I will not take them for granted. I thank Him for the falling leaves and pray that the family who now enjoys that big oak enjoys the leaves that grace their yard. I also pray that what each of you may see as a duty or a strain today-you will take time to see as God's blessing falling upon you.

My New Tree!

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

Fears!

Joe and I started our family when we were young. You can say that it didn't exactly begin in the ideal way. We made mistakes and we share our story with our kids any time the opportunity arises. In the end we were blessed with two wonderful and handsome boys!

I admit- I had only wanted one child and even then I wasn't confident in that decision.  So, when we found out Julian would bless our home I was terrified. I didn't really know why I didn't want kids back then-I just knew that I didn't and that was that!! Today, as I look back I don't know what I was thinking or what I would do without the boys I have now. I couldn't think of life without either one of them. They complete my heart.

My guys!

A couple of months ago, I went on a "Walk to Emmaus". It was a wonderful weekend event-peace and solitude. It was during this walk that I realized what I had been afraid of all this time. I was petrified of being a horrible parent. Don't get me wrong-I don't think I was raised by terrible people. I love my parents, but our family had it's "issues". My fear was that I was doom to repeat those "issues"-that maybe they were even hereditary.  So, naturally bringing kids into my world wasn't exactly ideal and therefore two kids was ALL I would have or was it?

Needless to say God had other plans for us. Many of you know, we have three nieces who grace our home-thank you to my sister who shares her heart with us. We now consider ourselves a family of seven. Three beautiful girls! 

Our girlies-Paula, Renee and Candice!

I realize today that my plans are not my own, but His. We're not perfect parents, but He is PERFECT. I also see that I am not the product of my past mistakes or even the product of my families "issues".  It has taken me nearly 20 years to figure that part out.

 I am a child of the One True King!

Next time you feel as though you can't or are not good enough...remember that He is!

First Sunday in a long time that we've all been in church together-yes Julian is my clown!

Philippians 4:13 "For I can do everything through Christ,who gives me strength."

Outside the Box!

Has God ever asked you to step outside your box? Lately He's asked me to step outside my box in more ways than I thought possible. To be perfectly honest, I didn't know that I had more than one box.

Joe and I recently started a Bible group in our home every other Monday.  So far it's been a success!  What do I mean by success?  I mean God's been there-supplying the study and the words.  He's pulled me out of my shell - giving me the courage to start this blog.  Is it successful?  I don't know-only He knows! If it reaches one person then it's serving it's purpose. Amen? Amen!

Along with His requests (funny-does He ever really "request"?) He's asked me to take a long look at myself -outside of that box.  I've taken a step back in silence-to listen to what He wants me to hear and see what He wants me to see. Has it been easy?  No way! Every time I want to jump in and join the gossip ( I realize now that I want to jump in more often than not) I have asked Him to fight for me. When I want to start in on the negativity and wallow in the sorrow-I cry out to Him!

The realization from this time of solitude? I'm not a pretty picture. When I paint with my own paint brush I'm a mess.  I have no scenery because it's just utter darkness.  The only color in my palette is black. It's been gloomy looking at this picture the last couple of days-hard beyond belief. Habits are hard to break. It's like my relationship with salt and Dr. Pepper...sinful!

How will others see my new canvas? I'm not sure, but what matters is how He sees it! I'll give up my paintbrush (I don't have the skills anyway) and allow Him to be the Artist in my life.  Does this promise to be effortless? Well, of course not-the Lord knows me better than I know myself. He's prepared for a fight-He hasn't given up on me as of yet! -Thank you Jesus!!!!

Photography by T.Waggener

1 John 1:5 "This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in Him at all."

Surprise I'm Home!!!

When all the kids were young I thought I would go crazy! I mean my two boys and we have tons of nieces and nephews and they were born in staircase formation. You know one right after the other.  Yeah, God thought it would be funny-He is certainly a man of many jokes.  If you knew my family back then -family gatherings just didn't happen during the holidays.  We were ALWAYS together. Needless to say at Thanksgiving I almost felt like heading the other direction.

Those days are long gone.  My days and nights have slipped away before my very eyes and I don't remember if I enjoyed them all.  The kids are growing faster than the weeds in my rock garden.  Two off to college, one about to graduate and then the staircase. It's one step, two step and then I fall down. (that's happened to me for real-not fun!)

Today, I was greeted by an unexpected text. It simply read " By the way, I'll be home in a few minutes." It was from our niece Renee, current freshman at The University of North Texas.(Go Mean Green) It's amazing what those surprises can do-she was literally in the neighborhood!! There's a pure excitement that travels through my body-I'm excited to welcome her back home. We sit and she tells me about all the things going on in her life and the look of excitement that lights her face-my heart swells with so much love and I feel my face begin to hurt from all my smiling.

Go Mean Green!!!!

I bet that's what God feels...every time one of His children comes back home.  I'm sure maybe some of you have experienced this-"coming back home".  I don't think it's always what we expect "it" to look like.  I'm sure like myself, some of you picture-a person coming to God and then somewhere along the path they drift. They drift for months and maybe even years until one day they either hit rock bottom or they've been slapped in the face with a big dose of reality.  I know that reality slap-I think I prefer to fall down the stairs again.  But, I don't think it has to be that extravagant.  I drift more often than I care to admit.  I drift when my day goes wrong, but then I come back home-to Him.  It happens when I'm cut off on the road by that oh so careless driver or at the grocery store when they're 100 people in line- every one of them has a screaming baby and only 3 registers open. Come on people-that's just poor customer service or some type of conspiracy.

When we focus and turn our attitude back to Him-I picture a huge smile! One that speaks beyond words, but you feel Him saying, "That's right child welcome back home!"

The next time that car cuts you off only to be next to you at the stop light, the grocery store is packed you think it's the day before Thanksgiving-close your eyes and focus on Him. Hear Him as He tells you  "Welcome back home." (FYI: close your eyes at the stop light, not while driving)

***By the way, the next day I was surprised with a visit from our son, Jonathan! God is so good! For all of you with little ones-treasure every moment-even the moments you could pull your hair out...ha ha! Before you know it -they leave to start their own adventures.***

Our Eagle and Texas Longhorn!!!!! 

Luke 15:20-22 “So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. His son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against both heaven and you, and I am no longer worthy of being called your son. “But his father said to the servants, ‘Quick! Bring the finest robe in the house and put it on him. Get a ring for his finger and sandals for his feet. And kill the calf we have been fattening. We must celebrate with a feast, for this son of mine was dead and has now returned to life. He was lost, but now he is found. So the party began."

Recharge

I woke up the other morning to the last thing I would expect. My car made laser sounds as I attempted to start it. I know laser sounds. ..grew up in the 80's! I know a good laser sound when I hear it-Centipede anyone? I drive a decent car...not brand new but hey I bought it right off the car lot brand new plus I'm still making payments. (Yes,I need Dave Ramsey-another blog)

PhotoCredit SodaHead

I began to think about how my car represented me in a lot of ways. I'm not old, heavens no! I have a few scratches but after a good shower I shine! Two differences-I've been paid for and I need recharging everyday. The Lord is my battery and plugging into Him keeps me going and charged. 

My Chariot!

My days can be full of lasers shooting at me.  If you're doing something for the Lord chances are you know what I'm talking about. Some of us have even been shot down a couple of times. Can I get an "Amen"? I hear you!

What can you do to get "plugged in"?

• Read the Word
• Prayer (through out your day)
• Fellowship (love the women God's surrounded around me-you know who you are)
• Worship (this includes listening to positive music)

I'm sure you each have a special outlet and everyone of them is special. My prayer is that when you feel yourself exhausted and the old battery is about to give up-RECHARGE-it's paid for!

Stay focused. Stay strong. Stay connected.

" Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches.  Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.  For apart from  me you can do nothing." John 15:5

What's the purpose?

Isaiah 49: 3-4 He said to me, “You are my servant, Israel, and you will bring me glory.” I replied, “But my work seems so useless! I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose.Yet I leave it all in the Lord’s hand;  I will trust God for my reward.”

Photo Batman and Robin

Have you ever had one of those days?  You know what I'm talking about "One of those days". You get out of bed ready to take the day on, you open the door and "BOOM!!! BAM!!! HOLY COMPLICATIONS BATMAN!!" (my Batman and Robin tribute) Right as you open the door the enemy is there-he's not only at the door, but he's invited himself in the house!  You begin to unravel and have already forgotten that you had put the Armor of God on just an hour before. Yep! You forgot the Sword! All through the day you ask-

"What happened? Where did I go wrong and Lord, what's the purpose?  Why am I even here?"  

You get up the next day and retrace your steps and then He hits you with Isaiah 49:3-4. You're reminded of the things He's already done.

Our family has been hit with a couple of storms these past couple of weeks. Storms that I can't control and save them from, but then again it's not my job to save them. I'm just a vessel-He's the Savior.  I've been reminded that He has a plan-I may not see that plan, but He does and that's all that matters. 

His whisper says, "I've got this-you don't need to know the details, I just want you to bring Me the Glory."

I say "Yes, I'll be Your vessel and give You the rest."

Will you be His vessel and leave the purpose to Him?

Two of the strongest people I know-my son Jonathan and his warrior Emily!

***By the way, the enemy? Carried my Sword today!!!!***

HOLY HOLY!!!!! (don't think Robin ever used that one)