" I don't remember asking for all of this?"
As I type that in I'm thinking to myself how selfish it actually sounds. But, then again if I choose to act as though the "thought" didn't exist-who would I be lying to? Certainly, to myself, to you and to the One that can read my thoughts before they even become a thought.
I've found myself repeatedly at the fringe of this reflection more often than not...as if in a duel. I pull out my small sword or should I describe it more of a stick-because it's doing me nor my heart any good. I begin to feel the question force me into the corners of darkness. I beat it constantly with my stick-I know the stick is about to break and it will no longer give me the protection I need. The sensation begins to take hold-it's as though it literally crawls on my skin. Then-there's an explosion! The stick has given way and there faced with the hideous thought that has stamped it's spur into my heart, my mind, my actions, my heart. I've become a reaction-a product of me and the "thought". A complicated and dangerous combination. (just ask my family)
There are days that the "thought" simmers-lingers longer than a stray cat. It can overtake and manifest into doubts. I begin to doubt what I'm doing, what I've done and why I keep doing it. Exhaustion soon pulses through my spirit and the tears of simply not knowing are more than I can stem.
It's when I finally realize-in my equation-there was me and the stick. I chose to fight this fight on my own. I didn't bring Him into the arena and all along He waited. He waited patiently for me to call upon Him and yet I buckled under my own weight. It's when I hear a sermon or a song or read His Word that I'm brought back to life. If only I would choose wisely-choose to lean on Him and understand that although I may not have "asked for all this"-there are blessings beyond my grasp. It's beyond my understanding-He knows what's best for me and I'm pretty sure He knows what He's doing too.
“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand. Job 38:4
Tell me, if you understand. Job 38:4
The next time the "thought" begins to show it's face on my day-I'll remember that I may not know, but He does and that's all that should matter.
