The Water is Closing In

My friends and family know that there are two things in this world that I can truly say strike me with fear. The first is water. I am not comfortable with any body of water larger than my tub.
I love to see the waves of God's beautiful creation.  The sun as it glistens off the surface is dazzling. It is mesmerizing how it can be both peaceful and aggressive.

I'm iced in terror at the banks of the waters. It's the unknown of what I cannot see below the darkness that keeps me petrified.  The past screams as I recall my father attempting to teach me to become one with the water.  She and I never learned to dance together.  I like to lead and well she wanted to control me...I wasn't having it.

My second fear-to be closed in-and not necessarily in just tight spaces.  I can feel closed in when the cuffs of my lab coat are tight. It feels as though my breath is not allowed to flow freely.  Some people like to be cuddled in their blankets-there's a sensation that crawls through my body like the blankets are literally trying to strangle me. It's funny-I don't feel claustrophobic when it comes to hugs.  I enjoy receiving a hug from a loved one.  I love when my husband embraces me-when my children lounge next to me on the couch. I don't know if it's the warmth and affection that I feel in response that cancels out the "closed in" part.

True story-I hate the grocery store.  It's a mixture of feeling like I'm in the water and closed in.  Does that make sense?  I walk through the doors and I'm drowning the moment I walk in and my feet hit the concrete.  I get no love from the produce and the pork chops don't care that I'm there so I feel closed in.  I wonder if I'll get some sympathy from my hubby if I explained it to him that way?  I'll let you know what he says.

Anyway, back to the point of letting you know about my fears.  I've had one of those couple of days where I don't know where I'm heading.  I know that I'll need to make some decisions and I feel as though I'm both in water and closed in.  I have no idea what I'm facing and looking into the water -it is both dark and aggressive.  My feet will not budge but the walls are closing in and it's getting harder to take a breath.

I've prayed and prayed- however His voice is still.  Or is it?  How do I know when and if it's really His Voice telling me to jump in? I close my eyes as I feel every gut wrenching fear turn to faith. My breath becomes erratic and suddenly my toes begin to wiggle...

Our trip to West Virginia