Pain Reliever

I've always believed in God. He was the Man that hung from the cross with a look of devastation. He was the One I was required to repent to at least every two weeks. He watched over me at night as I lay my head to sleep. Yep, I've always believed in Him ,but having a relationship...well that put a whole new twist to how I saw the Man.

I didn't understand how I could have a relationship with someone that I only called upon in times of need, in times of desperation or when required by my mother's law.  Yet, years later I will find myself in daily exchange with my Savior.  My questions run deep and I am childlike in my approach.

There are days that I wonder my purpose, the plot behind my story.  I'm in awe of how He has written  the chapters of my life.  He has prepared before me the path that will give me perspective.  The Author has taken the pen of life and glided across a canvas that to me seems scribbled and illegible.

Until....


The day comes when you will find yourself reliving your every mistake.  You will live the past regret and pain so that maybe you can spare another.  Your words are bitter and distasteful, but you feel a since of atonement. You're yet again walking through the fiery pits of hell, but this time your feet stand on solid ground. The roots of faith have been buried deep into your heart and soul.  He has a hold of you and this time around you're "Cross Eyed". You realize that God's purpose was not for a great void.  He would use your pain to save another.

Yep, I believe in Him.  I believe that He no longer is on that cross, but is with me everyday.  That look that I once saw as devastating-I now feel as deep abundant love.  My childlike questions and mistakes will continue however my Redeemer, my Savior, my Father goes before me to prepare the way.

The Unlimited Plan

Text messages! It's the way of the world today. I mean really who calls and actually talks to anyone these days?!? You can have a love-hate relationship with text messages. You never really know what the person on the other end of the line is feeling. I guess that's where those "emoji's" come in...smiley face..winky face.

One thing about the 'text message' is you can always go back to it. I had a conversation (texting conversation) with a friend one evening and she typed out "God should be your Best Friend."  Now on this particular evening I thought I was the one dishing out the advise, but today I realized that God would call me back to that conversation.

Ever feel so let down by situations around you that you feel yourself walking against the wind? You're pushing yourself to comprehend where you went wrong with friendships, relationships with loved ones, that the only view in sight is the aftermath of destruction. What you have left are the broken pieces of your heart.  All of a sudden here come the tears...

"Pity Party-table for One!"

This burden becomes more than I can handle-this "pity-party" is daunting.  So why do I choose to attend?  Why do so many of us choose to show up to these events? You see I decided to get in the way as I almost always do and wanted things to work the way I thought they should work out. You know I do good and well you should repay me by doing good too. (wink, wink)

What it doesn't work like that?!?! 

After finally falling into the arms of husband brokenhearted and in tears-he asked one question-"Would you do it all over again?"

My reply..."Yes, if it be God's will...in a heartbeat!"

Which brings me back to my earlier point about the text message. I read over that message..."God should be your Best Friend."  My dependence should be on Him-taking all my burdens to the One who can take all my brokenness and sadness.  My Best Friend died for me and promises to hold me when it becomes more than I can handle.  My Best Friend listens to me all the time when no one else is around. My Best Friend says that you don't need to have the approval of this world to make it right and you don't need it to always be perfect. He reminds me to do my part and that He'll do the rest. There's no need for text messages-I hear Him in the beating of my heart. His Plan is Unlimited.

John 10:27 ESV

My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.

Iron and Clay

Now I once heard someone describe a marriage to me as a fine dance. I envision a "fine" dance as two people moving gracefully across the floor. Their movements as one, he twirls her around and then there's of course the dip.

Ugh...No! I consider myself a pretty good dancer. I'm Latin..it's kind of...I hate to say a requirement, but yea anyway. My marriage doesn't always feel like a "fine" dance. I picture us more of two tightrope walkers. And we're still in the circus that you're not really sure if it's safe to take your kids to or not.

Our feet will not always flow so lightly. The pole that keeps us patterned isn't always lead by the power of the Holy Spirit. Instead of staying focused on Him, the center of attention becomes the world around us. My pole becomes like clay, weak and unreliable. His becomes like iron, hard and too heavy. And we cannot balance where I've no longer been able to carry the weight.

But while some parts of it will be as strong as iron, other parts will be as weak as clay. Daniel 2:42

How do we get this right when all around us we're blinded by the spot lights?

When we decide to stop looking down for the safety net to catch us when we fall.  It's when we finally lift our hands in praise and worship letting go of some imaginary pole to balance our marriage. Our harmony will not come from some man made object, but from the God who made man.  So, we let go and ignore the center stage of this crazy circus called life.

It's not always easy-we're like children we need reminding of the rules as we walk out the doors. But just as we love our children, our Father love us and He continues to welcome us back.  I wouldn't trade my circus for any other and wouldn't walk the tightrope with anyone else in this world.

(psst...as for the dancing-I'm a much better dancer than he is...:) )

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.  If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble.  Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (NLT)

#iloveCandi

We had a long weekend.  I mean one of those that you actually wake up Sunday morning past 11 am realizing you missed church, breakfast and your body has been laying in the same position so long it's practically stuck.  

Our youngest niece competed in her first UIL Area Marching Contest this past Saturday.  Now, we come from a pretty long line of family band nerds.  My husband and I- Band Nerds! This marching stuff-it's pretty serious and well let's just say at the high school-Band Nerds seriously rock!  So, needless to say when you go to contest and don't make it past the round to take that trip in November- one band alumnus's response via text "Daaaaaang" and my son's "...."

Yep, that could pretty much sum it up right there.

After our hugs to our Candi and expressions of how proud we were of the hard work and dedication, with her water filled eyes she said thank you.  There was no outburst of why. No tantrum that life was not fair-just a simple lift of her lips to the side and slow walk back to her bus.  

My heart wept for her because I felt that out of all her siblings before-she really loves this band thing. She competes, she practices, she loves her clarinet, "Shirley".  (I mean she's the only one that's ever given her instrument a name.)

I prayed about what I would tell her when I picked her up from the school.  As she climbed in with the look of an 18 hour day on her face-the only word I said was, "Well..."  Before me sat this 15 year old girl that did not cry, but simply said- 

"It just wasn't meant to be this year.  We will have to work harder and learn from this and that's it.  There were tears from all these kids because they wanted to play for seniors and because they felt they screwed up, but we're a band.  It was no one person-we did it together.  The only thing I didn't agree with is who they played for..."

That's our Candi! (after 1st round)

Wow!  

You see we had been praying for weeks for the band.   Not necessarily for another trip to State, but for lessons to be learned, for guidance and tension to ease ( I tell you this can be serious stuff).  More importantly we prayed that Candi would play for the glory of God and nothing less.  She did that and she was at peace with how she played and what she put into it.  

I crawled into bed and my heart wept again, but this time for the joy I felt. I thanked God for sugar and spice and everything nice...#iloveCandi 

2014 Cougar Band

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.

1Corinthians 10:31 (NLT)

Do You Still Live In A Fairy Tale?

Remember the days of fairy tales?  When you dreamed of your "Prince Charming" and one day he would come and save you.  He was some how the only one that didn't have COOTIES!!! Your evil brother although a boy was the evil stepsister-I mean  he whined just like a girl anyway and your mother always seemed to take his side so you fancied her the evil step mother.

Yes, I had a little bit an of an imagination and I was a fairy tale kind of girl.  Our family took a trip to Disney World a couple years ago and weeping I watched the fireworks at Magic Kingdom.  It took me all the way back-I could care less that I could see the line that held Tinkerbell as she carelessly flew across the awestruck crowd-it was ENCHANTING!

Prince Charming-Disney 2008

Then what happens-reality hits.  I'm no longer that six year old child, twirling around with the imaginary birds on my fingers singing to me. I'm driving down the road trying to avoid those black cocky birds that think they own the road.

But, my life is still full of dreams.  I have dreams about my kids, about my future, about my family, about my marriage (I have crazy dreams too, but we'll leave that for another blog).  There are many times that I battle the meaning of those dreams. Do they bring honor to God or are they self fulfilling?

I couldn't help but think about King Nebuchadnezzar and his haunting dreams-here was a king who threatened his enchanters, magicians and astrologers with physical harm if they could not tell him not only the meaning of his dream BUT what he was actually dreaming.  Needless to say-some one's in trouble! God came to the king in his dreams as only He can do-to give the old king a series of messages.

  "He speaks in dreams, in visions of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they lie on their beds.  He whispers in their ears and terrifies them with warnings.  He makes them turn from wrong doing; He keeps them from pride." Job 33:15-17

Yet, this man wanted enchanters and magicians to tell him what his dreams meant?  The only one who could tell him was Daniel through  the wisdom of God, Himself.

I couldn't help but to take a long look at myself and begin to realize how many times do I take those dreams that I have about my kids, about my future, about my family, about my marriage and try to take control of it myself?  How many times do I try to play the Enchanter?  I think it's time I close the fairly tale book and focus on THE BOOK!

Click Here to Unsubscribe

I've seen my life go through a change in the last year.  I've changed jobs, made new friends.  I've decided to make some financial decisions that took me to some of the deepest parts of the water. With all the revisions in my life you would think I would have a new hair color already to go along with it.

But, I don't think it hit me until I really took the time this afternoon to look through my emails.  See with my new job-I don't have the time to look through my emails as I did before.  Take that as you will about my prior job, but all I'll say is that it's non-stop from clock in to clock out.  I love it and I wouldn't change it for the world.  When I get home though-I don't have a desire to read through some of what pops up through the subject lines so the small trash icon is where they disappear to for the day. My evenings are spent listening to teenagers badger each other with playful antics or just in the presence of their quietness (which is very rare).  

Opening the emails today were like taking a glimpse into a journal of my past.  I began to wonder why I opted into receiving some of them.  Was I really interested in getting emails on some of those products-was my life that vain?  Did I really think that I could lose weight in 5 days without doing ANYTHING!!!!????

You can't believe the relief I felt when I all it took was to hit the "unsubscribe" link at the bottom of each of those emails.  Each day I've been wasting time deleting these emails-gawking at it each day- when all I had to do was take care of it all together and get rid of it once and for all. 

How many times do we do this with a sin we carry with us each and every day of our lives?  We carry it with us each and every day.  We allow it to strain us and bring us down.  Only to allow the weight of it feel like a boulder on our shoulders- as if our Savior didn't already die for us on the cross.  He already carried it for us and yet we are constantly pulling up the same subject line to just look at it and hit the delete button.  

Open it and UNSUBSCRIBE!!! HE'S ALREADY HIT THE DELETE BUTTON FOR YOU!

You Can Love A Rejection

We are sometimes given small surprises in our lives that seem so unreal, so in your face that you don't know whether to laugh or cry. You seem dumbfounded by what is right in front of you that the words cannot form from your lips.

On this particular day as I drove myself from our friendly neighborhood grocery store I found myself wrestling with emotion.  Words were just more than I could handle as they drove a wedge in my throat. You see right before I had been filled with judgement as I watched the young people walk in and out in their red shirts attending the customers.  My eyes filled with envy as the young man put my bread in with my cans!

 "Really", I thought...I too had worked in this same establishment as a young person and wanted to say with a snapping voice-"Do you think the bread should go with that!!!!"

I wanted to do so not because I wanted to give him friendly advise (could you tell) or because he was rude or that I was having a bad day.  You see our youngest has been applying for a job for months-not just at this particular place but other stores.  He's applied and there's been rejection after rejection.  We've encouraged him time after time-asked him to continue to pray.  The conversations had come to "What does God want from me, Mom?"  Our answer-PRAY!!!

Although, I continued to ask him to pray-I had found myself looking over the edge many days thinking 'what's going on here-if they could only see him beyond the application.'

As with all my kids Julian volunteers-gives back-and since he has such a huge heart Caritas was the perfect place. This past week he encountered a gentleman who wanted to roughly know what wrongs he had done to land himself to have to serve at Caritas.  When Julian explained that he was there willingly- everything changed and both he and this gentleman engaged in a much needed conversation.

So back to my car ride back from the grocery store and that wedge.  God placed this heavy conviction on my heart.  He laid on me that I had prayed and prayed that He would use my children to be His Hands and Feet.  I had prayed that when they walk out of our home they would open their hearts to shine for Jesus and show His love and reach out to someone in need.  What we saw as rejection after rejection wasn't that at all but actually putting Julian on hold for the perfect opportunity to do the perfect job -for the Perfect God.  I shared what God showed me that day in the car with my son and told him that what he did that day was richer than any pay check he would ever receive. God's plans are greater and bigger than what we can see before us.

I'll never look at a rejection the same again!!!!!

What's Your Name Brand?

We're studying a new book for our girl's summer group "Get a Life".  Pretty in your face-huh?!  The focus? Well, just what the title reads-how to get a life in this life.  How to find abundant joy with what we have here and now.

My sense so far is the obvious-you can have an abundant life without all the bells and whistles that the world tells you that you HAVE to have to enjoy it.  I mean if there wasn't a way to have it- do you think there would be a six week study?  I don't think so! But, you can't haul this book into every store you  visit every time you visit the mall.  You can't pluck it out of your purse when you're about to pay for that "oh so cute" purse that would look so good with that "had to have" dress you just paid a fortune for.

 I mean -really?!?!  This was so me people!!!!

I was the girl that thought that if I had the right purse and the right clothes from the right store-I would feel better about me.  I would like me a lot better.  It wasn't that my family didn't like me or that I didn't have friends growing up.  As I grew older and got married to my one true love-it wasn't that he didn't love me for who I was or wasn't for that matter.  I didn't like me.  I was under the idea that hiding behind the name brand would give me some type of identity.  Now-please don't get me wrong!  There's nothing wrong with name brands.  I'm not saying that if you shop at the mall that you're not loved by the Creator or that you're trying to be "Hello..daawling...".  But, for me I was filling a void that I placed there.  I was covering up what I didn't like about myself and putting a name on it.  To be perfectly honest-I'm not sure what I didn't like myself.  I've always just been my hardest critic.  As I'm sure we all are at some point or another in our lives. I still have my moments of looking at myself and wishing for a brief moment that I didn't have this or I was like that...or that maybe the mirror I'm looking into was really an illusion.

You see I may not be able to tow this book along, but my God goes everywhere with me.  I dive into His Word and that I carry deep into the depths of my soul.  When I begin to feel the unfavorable emotion arise I remember that my Savior not only liked me enough but loved me enough to die on a Cross for me.  I would say He's the best Name Brand I could wear in my life.

My Thoughts

I'm wondering how many of us go through times when you just sit-talk to God and make the remark

          " I don't remember asking for all of this?"

As I type that in I'm thinking to myself how selfish it actually sounds.  But, then again if I choose to act as though the "thought" didn't exist-who would I be lying to?  Certainly, to myself, to you and to the One that can read my thoughts before they even become a thought.

I've found myself repeatedly at the fringe of this reflection more often than not...as if in a duel.  I pull out my small sword or should I describe it more of a stick-because it's doing me nor my heart any good.  I begin to feel the question force me into the corners of darkness.  I beat it constantly with my stick-I know the stick is about to break and it will no longer give me the protection I need. The sensation begins to take hold-it's as though it literally crawls on my skin.  Then-there's an explosion! The stick has given way and there faced with the hideous thought that has stamped it's spur into my heart, my mind, my actions, my heart.  I've become a reaction-a product of me and the "thought". A complicated and dangerous combination. (just ask my family)

There are days that the "thought" simmers-lingers longer than a stray cat.  It can overtake and manifest into doubts.  I begin to doubt what I'm doing, what I've done and why I keep doing it.  Exhaustion soon pulses through my spirit and the tears of simply not knowing are more than I can stem. 

It's when I finally realize-in my equation-there was me and the stick.  I chose to fight this fight on my own.  I didn't bring Him into the arena and all along He waited.  He waited patiently for me to call upon Him and yet I buckled under my own weight.  It's when I hear a sermon or a song or read His Word that I'm brought back to life.  If only I would choose wisely-choose to lean on Him and understand that although I may not have "asked for all this"-there are blessings beyond my grasp.  It's beyond my understanding-He knows what's best for me and I'm pretty sure He knows what He's doing too.   

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
    Tell me, if you understand. Job 38:4

The next time the "thought" begins to show it's face on my day-I'll remember that I may not know, but He does and that's all that should matter.

Their Words or His?

Words!

It's amazing the effect they can have on a person.  You've heard the old saying,

              "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never harm me." 

Oh, how we wish that we could really live by that decree. Each of us however, has experienced one time or another a time when words have done more than hurt us. They have defined who we are, who we become and how we live our lives.  We allow them to creep into our hearts and seep into our souls-only to dwell into every heartbeat. Words soon become the definition and outline of our appearance.

Dismal truth-I was once described as someone that appeared to "walk into a dungeon".  Wow!  Not exactly how a woman of God wants to be seen. But, I had allowed rigid words to invade my soul and instead of fight them off-they idled there with  no place to go.  I granted them to linger each day and stab at my heart until they had ripped me apart.  Please don't get me wrong-I prayed, I prayed until tears streamed down like a river.  The problem was that although I prayed- I never let go of the "words" that were said -I always went back to them and held on to them.

I recently found myself in the same situation.  Words were said that seem a little hurtful-my intentions were not in any way to batter any one.  However, sometimes interpretations are not always what they seem.  So, I have a choice-I can allow the "words" to cripple me or I can live by the Words that matter.  Sometimes...let's face it...most of the time...it's the hardest thing to do-to live His way, but His way has promise.  His way will give me peace and lead me to eternal life.  His way brings me joy and provides me with a smile no matter my circumstances.

This can only go one way-HIS WAY!!!!

The Mask

Ever had a time in your month, week or day when before your eyes is the worse version of yourself?  You try to shield the ugliness of your thoughts and bury it beneath the camouflage smile. The mask may hold true to those on the outside, but you soon find yourself feeling defeated by your own convictions. Fatigue soon begins to take control of your every movement.  Your thoughts soon become blurred.  This mask you haul soon becomes more than just a small cover-up.  It becomes a phony veneer-a false representation of who you once were in this life.

Who are you?

In my life there have been times what I considered a small veil-it has become my choke hold.  What I thought would spare others from hurt and pain in turn has caused more suffering than intended.  It has left me feeling defeated and broken.  When I should be turning the pages of my Bible-it has left me staring endlessly into space wondering where I went wrong.  When I should be in prayer-lifting my hands to the One True God that can save me-it has left me beating myself up.

All because I have knowingly implanted a veil to hide the pain.  A mask to stooge others into believing that I have it together or that I'm not easily plagued by matters.  Why do I insist on treating myself this way?  I don't have it all together!!

He did not create me to wear a mask that I intentionally place before any one person.  He designed me just as I am.   He also died to break the veil-not for me or you to wear one each day.

These are hard reminders-I know-I walk this same road today...this very moment.  But, my Savior has saved me many times before and I'm sure He will save me again and again.

Friends, if today you find yourself playing the hero or wearing a mask that you're tired of holding-know that you're not alone.  Know that you are free to let go of the cape, the mask, the veil, the drama, the image...whatever it is you're holding on to today.  He loves you----just you!!!!

My Weeds

Living in a new subdivision has it's disadvantages.  One is that we don't have a lot of trees.  I've mentioned this before in one of my earlier blogs...about missing the falling of leaves.  Well, a new season is upon us and we are a bloomin'.

As a friend left my home the other day I mentioned to her how I thought I had the best looking tree on the block.  It leans a little to the side-but hey it adds character! It's nice and stocked!  It will bud white flowers for a few days and home the neighborhood birds.  I'm proud of my beauty.  Like I said best looking tree on the block.

Coming home from work today I did what I do everyday-admired the vast allure that graced my yard.  I couldn't help but feel lucky and a little bit of pride crept in and then all of sudden as I parked in the driveway there in the rock garden (yes, the rock garden because I have no green thumb-which is why I'm proud of the tree) are weeds.  UGH!!!! Weeds peeking through-showing their ugly little faces.  Giving my rock garden, which normally has a uniformed look, a patchy appearance.  I'm sure for all of you who are avid gardeners (or OCD in nature) would know my annoyed feeling about these intruders.

As I sat down contemplating how I would get rid of these invaders I couldn't help but feel a tug at my heart.  I saw myself one way-like the big beautiful tree, but definitely had many faults that lay hidden-like the weeds.  I want so many times for people to only see the tree inside of me and pull at the weeds, however they keep returning.  I guess that could be because I'm not fully trying to restore myself in those areas.  Instead I'm covering them up with more rocks.  All the rocks in the world will not get hide my weeds as they will still find their way to the surface.

Praying, I began to realize that I am not the gardener.  I cannot remove these weeds on my own nor should I boast about the tree as it is not of my own making.  It is all His.  This life that I've been blessed with and live day in and day out belongs to Him.  I am to live it in humility every day. This life is a rock garden-with bumps and rugged paths.  Each of our lives are full of weeds and we will one day reach the perfect Tree. Until then I'll live my life humbled by His undeserving grace-asking Him to fully restore each and every ugly weed.

WHY

It's human nature to question.  We are inquisitive souls and we should be-it's how we learn.  Our minds were meant to develop this way.  As parents, we encourage our children to ask questions (then there are times we want them to just stop).

So, do you think our Lord thinks any different when we ask Him questions? I'm sure the number one question that comes to mind is in the form of three letters-

      W-H-Y

There usually isn't a complete sentence that has to come after because He already knows the rest before it hits your heart.  Most of the time the inquiry comes with a bundle of affection: passion, regret, confusion, heartbreak, etc.  Feelings that you seem to want Him to just take away, however you know that there's a lesson that you must learn-the only thing-you don't feel like instruction.  You don't want to be coached on this one-you've seen it enough through the eyes of others.

You begin to plead, cry and eventually every ounce of your soul is wailing.  Before long you've run out of tears and the stamina that kept you on your feet is no longer.  It's just you, the Lord and the three letters that barely slip off your lips.  You can't imagine His plan-you can't begin to understand what good would come from this quest.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
    do not depend on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

His warmth begins to take hold in the middle of your heart break.  Life begins to breath into your being and your "Why's" lead into worship.  He has not forsaken you and you are reminded of His love for you.  A love that is  both unconditional and everlasting.  You know the "Why's" are not over, they will creep back into your life, but every war is won with Him leading your battle.  He picks you up and lifts you right where you stand. You are not standing on your own strength, but on His alone.

You've made it through today and tomorrow...well, tomorrow you will leave to for Him to worry about.  One why at a time.

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today-Matthew 6:34

Bold

I often wonder if I could ask God -would He consider me bold?  Would He look down on me and consider all that I do in His Name honorable and up to His standards?  It's a tough question-one that I'm not sure I want to know the answer.  I guess it's because deep down inside I may know the response.

I know when I sit alone with Him I'm bold in my faith, I'm fearless in my beliefs, daring in my vision, and courageous in prayer.  Do I carry that when I walk out the door?  I start the day wanting- the full desire to lead my life and go from dawn to dark this way, but then the madness creeps in and things can begin to change.  I begin to see my faith waver, fear sets in, my vision is blurred by the chaos of this crazy world.

I take a grip to the hope that is Him and prayer keeps me afloat.  It's the line of communication that gives me  the spiritual energy I need to get through another day. I cannot be the person He calls me to be without His guidance, therefore I cannot be bold on my own.

I live my life as close to His will as humanly possible-which means I fall short every day.  He gets that-He expects me to fall short.  I strongly believe that it's what I do after my convictions and with what He's taught me that's important. So, I will make mistakes, I will pray for forgiveness.  I will fall, but I will rise with His strength.  I will love-with the heart of Jesus.  I will be bold-with human knees shaking but with the Hands of God holding me.  



For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:13

HIs Words, His Timing, His Path!

Life's been pretty slow this week.  Taking some time off has really had some advantages.  I mean not only is my house clean, but I've really had some quiet, quiet time with God.  

It's amazing what you hear in the silence of your home when it's just you and Him.  I get up early in the morning before everyone else and spend time with Him, but it's not the same.  Some how the silence is SILENT!  I guess it's because I know that the chance of a teenager slamming the restroom door isn't going to happen.  

He's given me so much to think about in the last three days.  Where I've been and where I'm going.  I thought about how I will use what I've learn in the next chapter.  He's also showing me that my past is still there and that He still wants me to finish His work there. Don't get me wrong-I love the idea.  My past-I love that portion of my past.  I love the people in it.  So, I love hearing from them and hearing Him whisper into my heart what He wants me to say.  After all the words are His-not my own.

I'm currently reading Ezekiel and I've learn that Ezekiel visions were extraordinary-to say the least. His eyes were glaring at living beings with wings and with rims (yes rims!) that had eyes all round them.  He was called to be a messenger for God.  God would provide the strength Ezekiel would need to approach the people of Israel.  

"But look, I have made you as obstinate and hard-hearted as they are.  I have made your forehead as hard as the hardest rock!  So don't be afraid of them or fear their angry looks, even though they are rebels." Ezekiel 3:8-9  

I think that statement speaks to both my past and my future. ( that explains a lot about why I'm so stubborn!) But, I don't have to worry because if I choose to walk His walk and His path-then I'm not alone.

My words are not my own and I must not make them about me.  

"Then He added, 'Son of man, let all my words sink deep into your own heart first.  Listen to them carefully for yourself.  Then go to your people in exile and say to them. " This is what the Sovereign Lord says!"  Do this whether they listen to you or not."  Ezekiel 3:10-11

He's so amazing! I know that His timing is always perfect because if anything it just needed to be the words-not my presence-just His Words!!!  My physical existence didn't and doesn't need to be there-only through the words.  

I'm not sure what the plans are for those left in my past and I don't begin to speculate.  What I do know is that He's already there.  He already has the table prepared and I don't have to worry.  But, every morning as I sit with Him-I feel the power of His love surround me and in the silence I hear Him louder than ever.  

'Son of man, eat what I am giving you-eat this scroll!  Then go and give it's message to the people of Israel."  Ezekiel 3:1 

It's Not Goodbye!

Life has taken me for another spin in the last weeks.  It's amazing how our Savior can turn our lives in a completely different direction than the path you were just strolling.  I've spent countless hours trying to figure out how all this came into play and to be perfectly honest-I'm still at a loss.  My head is still in a daze from the unbelievable quest that my feet have yet to calm down and adjusted.

For those who don't know my story-at 25 years of age I decided to go back to school.  TSTC was the school of choice and Dental Assisting was the career I would decide to venture. When I decided to take accept my current job at 26 years old-my only concern and worry-I just wanted a job.  I found that job and since then have been living it up for 13 and half years.  I have more than friends-I have sisters. They are my extended family and they too can't be replaced.  Together, we have watched our children grow, we have seen each other through some tough battles, laughed our way through tears. I've watched others leave and they are still my sisters.  I, myself, have grown in that office and am a better woman because of it.  Funny how all that can happen in one small work area.  Day in and day out-hours turns into weeks and weeks turn into years.  Before you realize you're shedding tears as you begin to realize that this too is another phase in your life.  I've had so many chapters close in my life the last couple of months that I'm beginning to see that God has a whole other book written.  I'm still shedding tears from my oldest leaving home for college-it's been two years!  When will I get to breathe it all in?  I don't know if I really want to know the answer to that question.  Because if I do then it would mean that the blessings would have slowed down and I would have stopped appreciating all God's given me and my family.  I'm not ready to slow down and I'm definitely not ready to stop praising Him.

But, this isn't the story about my career choice rather about the moment in life to answer a call.  He's called me out to trust.  It wasn't an easy choice to leave behind the only place I've called home during my working hours.  He knew how disheartened I felt at His repeated urging to make the move.  The sleeplessness nights that I prayed for Him to give me peace. I won't deny that I asked why although I knew the answers.

Why was it so hard?

My sisters...to know that there would be no more days with them still brings tears to my eyes.

As my family and I prayed for Him to show us the way-I began to see more and more of His presence. When I surrendered to His call-I felt a breath-taking peace surround me.  I knew in that moment that He would lead me and that He would take care of them just as He had done in the past-just as He has done for each of my sisters that have come to our little family and left to new adventures.

This isn't a farewell-I'll see you soon!

 It was fun and I had a blast!



***All other photos-Pre Facebook-in other words-too old!!!!

Her Journey

This weekend our niece made some pretty big decisions in her life. She declared her love for our Savior and her deep thirst for knowing the life He desires for her to live.  I would say that was colossal for a 17 year old girl who only five months ago-was losing her mind if she did not have control over every aspect of her life.

Paula-in a dress her mother & I wore when were babies.

Long story short-she recently returned home after attempting to reconnect with her biological father. God obviously had other plans for our sweet girl and she returned home after two years.  There was such a transition in those two years and upon her return she had become unfamiliar with our growing faith.  Our family had taken a deeper dive into His Word and she felt left behind.  In these last five months she has had to adjust to school, new friends, new curriculum, new house rules, our family and a new faith.  Not easy for an adult much less a teenager trying to figure her way through this life.

Our Lord has had the road paved out for her long before we knew this sweet blessing. She truly surrendered herself to Him upon learning from our youngest son his testimony and how he had given his life to Him.  She began to feel the yearning for a life with and for Christ and realized that it far outweighed one without Him. She understands that her story is just beginning and that it will not come with out thumps in the road.  She is ready for the strike because she understands following Him will come with a price, but not higher than the price He already paid for her.

Amazing! Did I mention that she was ONLY 17 years old.

You can imagine how my heart leaped with joy as she spoke these words. God's words. Her brave spirit sent waves of joy splashing through my heart. Envision what great wonders He has in store for His young servant.

I was truly inspired by the intensity, zeal and warmth our spirited niece voiced that unforgettable night.  The smile and purpose on her face gave me strength to face my own insecurities.  I again felt the fire intensify in my soul and there stood the purpose.

The most beautiful illustration of His love you will see-is when you witness your love one transform and saved before your very eyes.

James 1:22
But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.

What Will You Give Up?

During our Midweek class we were told to ask the Lord-
   
        "What do You want me to give away and what do You want me to sell?"

The impact of the inquiry has my heart pumping more blood than my brain can handle to be honest. Yesterday's lesson of course stems from Mark 10:17-29, "The Rich Man" and his inability to sell everything he had and follow Christ. Listening to the discussion around the room there were many views on what this may have looked like "to sell everything".

What does that look like for you?

I've asked the question and have to admit that the beginning of the answer is a bit uneasy. But, then again I didn't expect it to be a piece of cake.  I've made it accommodating for myself for so long that now that I must put aside comfort-not so pretty.  Not an effortless task for a military brat. It's simple to talk the talk.
Finding the the words have always been elementary.  I've never had a hard time with words.  I could always express myself in writing and feel free.  It was living beyond those words that I found it to be the most difficult.

Apparently, not much has changed-as I read the challenge above.  It reads and sounds poetic, but it's living it that poses the dare and to someone like myself-the threat.  I've searched Him as though He was playing a game of hide and seek with me-looking for what He wants me to do with the next step.  As the realization becomes clear I become less afraid. Not because the solution has become easier, but become His promise is the light that guides me.

I know this odyssey will not be without crashing waves, but is He not the same God that calms those waves?  "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31.  I cannot think of any one else that I would rather have with me during my trials than the Lord of Lords, King of Kings.  What about you?

So, if I fancy this same King to be with me-then -what should I give up or sell for Him?


What will you give up?

The Water is Closing In

My friends and family know that there are two things in this world that I can truly say strike me with fear. The first is water. I am not comfortable with any body of water larger than my tub.
I love to see the waves of God's beautiful creation.  The sun as it glistens off the surface is dazzling. It is mesmerizing how it can be both peaceful and aggressive.

I'm iced in terror at the banks of the waters. It's the unknown of what I cannot see below the darkness that keeps me petrified.  The past screams as I recall my father attempting to teach me to become one with the water.  She and I never learned to dance together.  I like to lead and well she wanted to control me...I wasn't having it.

My second fear-to be closed in-and not necessarily in just tight spaces.  I can feel closed in when the cuffs of my lab coat are tight. It feels as though my breath is not allowed to flow freely.  Some people like to be cuddled in their blankets-there's a sensation that crawls through my body like the blankets are literally trying to strangle me. It's funny-I don't feel claustrophobic when it comes to hugs.  I enjoy receiving a hug from a loved one.  I love when my husband embraces me-when my children lounge next to me on the couch. I don't know if it's the warmth and affection that I feel in response that cancels out the "closed in" part.

True story-I hate the grocery store.  It's a mixture of feeling like I'm in the water and closed in.  Does that make sense?  I walk through the doors and I'm drowning the moment I walk in and my feet hit the concrete.  I get no love from the produce and the pork chops don't care that I'm there so I feel closed in.  I wonder if I'll get some sympathy from my hubby if I explained it to him that way?  I'll let you know what he says.

Anyway, back to the point of letting you know about my fears.  I've had one of those couple of days where I don't know where I'm heading.  I know that I'll need to make some decisions and I feel as though I'm both in water and closed in.  I have no idea what I'm facing and looking into the water -it is both dark and aggressive.  My feet will not budge but the walls are closing in and it's getting harder to take a breath.

I've prayed and prayed- however His voice is still.  Or is it?  How do I know when and if it's really His Voice telling me to jump in? I close my eyes as I feel every gut wrenching fear turn to faith. My breath becomes erratic and suddenly my toes begin to wiggle...

Our trip to West Virginia

Just Keep Praying

Ever been too exhausted to pray or just given up on a prayer?
I know some of you may have read that question and the first thing you did was either said no or wanted to say no.  Who really wants to admit that you can become worn from praying?  I know that I don't want to admit it out loud yet alone type it. It does bring a damper to my soul to confess this to you.  When my prayers become what I feel are cripple I tell Him-" I just don't know what to say anymore." There are times I just don't bother telling Him-I just find that I have ceased the request.  I've tucked it underneath all my other requests trying to kick it to the bottom. Okay, maybe not kick it, stomp it! Just like a child trying to hide a stain knowing that He can see it and that giving up isn't what He wants me to do.

Today, I woke up ready with my heart's requests when before me stood January 15th. It's devotion clearly stating that I am to continue to pray, pray, pray-because "something is always happening."  "Prayer invites and ignites" and that they are not lost nor meaningless.

Ok...I see you Father. But, no He wasn't done with His sweet reminders. John 4:24 would pierce my very heart- piping out that true worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.

So, although I may have thought I would be done I was convicted-that if I chose to walk away from what I knew I was putting under the rug....well...I don't think I have to finish up the thought for you. (true worshiper? Ouch)

I began to open the dark crevices of my heart and prayed that one forgotten request.  The request that I felt had no hope. Yep, like I have the right to make that call. I prayed it.  I then prayed for His forgiveness.

I'd like to say that I followed through my day and my prayer was answered. Funny how it all works-that prayer was needed today. Deeply needed.  Oh Satan has decided to play his game with me with an attempt on the strings of my heart.  This is not a fairytale and we do not live in a world that always ends in "Happy Ever After."

We do however, have the choice to live in despair or in hope. In that hope the enemy can only blow and cause the winds to stir during this storm.  When the Lord called me to pull out that request and pray for it (even when I didn't want to) something happened.  He supplied the strength, the shelter-the umbrella.

Not having the words for that request is far better than giving up.  I don't believe He expects you to be perfect with your words-after all He was the only One who walked on water.

Isaiah 62:1
Because I love Zion, I will not keep still. Because my heart yearns for Jerusalem, I cannot remain silent. I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn, and her salvation blazes like a burning torch.

Labels

In conversation with a good friend in the last couple of days we have often spoke of how we were "labeled". She is unhappy with how she has been stamped.  I can understand the distaste it leaves her-knowing how someone else has taken the liberty and unkindly give their own signature.

The conversation stuck with me for several days and has seem to actually haunt both of our thoughts. Her attention-for obvious reasons- I mean it's her "rep" after all.  But, it has bothered me for other reasons. 

Why?

Why do we allow ourselves to be marked with labels?  I'm sure when we were created His intentions were not for us to be defined of this world.  Sure, we want people to see us as honest, loving, dependable.  But, does that label us to just those characteristics?  

I once heard a friend speak at a retreat about labels. What stands out is she said that a lot of those labels are put there by none other than...you guessed it....US!!! ME!!!! YOU!!! Yea...you...don't look back or look at your buddy sitting next to you. 

We put the pressure on ourselves.  We desire that perfect title-the invisible banner across our chest that lets everyone know-"Hey, I'm a good person!"  The salutation before our name that signifies importance and identity.  You may say that-'No, that's not me.'-but to a point we all have a little bit of that person in us -otherwise it wouldn't matter what or how others pictured us.

Lord knows I've placed so many labels on myself that if I had to literally pull them off-there would be no need to shave-enough said.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't want to have an identity.  I desire existence, but what I should crave is that it be in His Name.  When someone looks at me-I pray that it is His reflection and Light that attracts them. 

The only "Label" I should be passionate to wear should read:

image by iSaved

Not Alone

We hit another milestone this past week.  Our youngest son received his drivers license.  He turned sweet sixteen in October, (you can still say that for a boy, right?) but had not really pushed for it and well if he wasn't I wouldn't either.  The day would have to come and it did.

Sitting in church the day before his test -Joe and I took him to the alter and again gave him to our Savior.
We would have faith that not only would He carry him through his test, but that our Savior would carry him through the rest of Julian's driving days.

Does that make it easier to let him go?  I would be a hypocrite and liar-if I stood here before you and said yes.  It doesn't mean that my teeth don't clinch and my knuckles don't turn a lighter shade of white at the thought of him out there in a sea of raging vehicles.  My heart turns a flip with the thought of my baby behind the wheel.  Hard to let go.

Does it ever get it easy?  I doubt it-I know it doesn't-I see it in the face of my mother who still tells me that taking a shower and going out will cause me to fall ill.  When she gets on to me for not buttoning up all the way.  Do I listen? Only when I know I'm going to see her...sorry Mom!

Letting go will never be easy, but knowing that our Savior is with our children makes it bearable.  My heart is comforted in the details that in the passenger seat is a Friend that will guide him and never leave him.  Our children are never alone in this world.  As they take long trips back home to college-as they face the unknown-they are not alone.  Isn't that the most beautiful and peaceful part of living?  That throughout it all we are never alone in all the chaos.  Have you ever just sat at your kitchen table or at the red light-looked over and felt His presence.  There's this unexplainable and overwhelming sensation that radiates through your very being-it's electrifying and yet harmonious.  You feel Him staring back at you and His smile is illuminating. The description is beyond words. He reminds you to not worry, He's got this and they're not alone.

I'm comforted and at peace because the same Hand holding them is holding me.

Taking It for Granted

I've been ill the past couple of days.  It's how I spent my holiday vacation actually.  I wanted so much more for my time off-kids home from college, the others out of school until after the New Year.  My mind had so much planned for us.  I was looking forward to some quality time-maybe catch a movie or two. Instead-I spent that quality time with my pillow.  Believe me the pillow is not as affectionate.

Sitting in bed I couldn't help but recall all the moments I wanted a few more minutes in bed.  How many of you make that wish upon a star?

"If only I could get in some more time in bed."
"I just want to lay here in bed and do absolutely NOTHING."

I admit-I've said those two phrases on more than one occasion.  After this past week, I don't plan on them slipping from my lips.(I'm human so they may slip...)  As I mediated (as there was nothing else to do) I started to realize how I take my health for granted.

I forget to say "Lord, thank you that I can breath through my nose," or "Father, I'm so grateful that I'm not choking on every breath that I take in."

If you haven't been sick lately then those two prayers may sound frivolous.  It's also amazing that I don't think about those types of thankful prayers until I've fallen ill.  Taking it for granted-that's me-I hate to accept.

As I type this out-I want this to be my New Year's Resolution...(or the in the words of the cute little kid on the AT&T commercial-My New Year's Revolution).  I want to bar myself from taking the small things for granted.  I want to celebrate every breath that I take in and to honor my health with thanks!  I will also rejoice in my illnesses!  Why?  Because  I grasp the concept that in my weakness it is through Him that I become strong.

Thank You, Lord!

So, as many of us have declared our resolutions-remember that even when you fail-He loves you.  When you fall ill-He loves you.  As we start to comprehend that maybe that resolution was far out of reach-He love you.

Take hold of the microscopic-the things that slip you're mind-the breath you just inhaled and even the cough that just nearly knocked you out of your socks. Start your revolution!

Countdown

We had a beautiful Christmas.  Family and friends gathered, but what I love the most is Christmas Eve service. I always get a little teary eyed. Watching all the angels dance their way down the aisle. The children that play Mary, Joseph, the wise men and shepherds. I believe it's the innocence displayed. 

After a spectacular candle light service we were greeted by the magnificence of Christmas morning. I always enjoy watching our boys open their gifts and this year we had the pleasure of having our 6 yr old nephew. His eyes were amazed at how Santa took delight in the cookies he made the night before. The smile that stretched across his face as he read the letter left behind by SC himself.  Priceless!

Pure enjoyment!

My oldest son presented his gift and I couldn't help but feel that it was so appropriate for the moment.  An old table clock...it is gorgeous for so many reasons.  Gazing at the stopped hands that no longer moved with time-my heart began to wish that for a moment -I also wanted time to come to a stand still.

Long are the days of the anxious anticipation for the big, jolly man's arrival.  No longer is there the decision making...should we leave Kool-aid or Capri Sun?  (I know, I know)  There's still the early morning rise and I'll hold on to that for as long as time will allow. So, having Erick here for Christmas morning was a sweet reminder of those long ago expressions. 

The countdown to a New Year begins and another Christmas has come and gone.  My heart takes in the conversations, the laughter and even the silence.  

I asked Jonathan if he took pictures of a recent trip he and Emily experienced.  His response, "Only two, but I remember."

My favorite gift!

I couldn't say it better myself.  Those are the best snap shots of life-those you remember and carry forever in your heart.  They will never fade and can never be destroyed.

Have you taken any snapshots?